Bad Mommy is Back, Banging on My Door

It's this unshakeable feeling in the center of my gut. I'm doing affirmations in my kitchen, waiting for lunch to warm up ("I love and accept myself exactly the way that I am!") and yet I can't shake the Bad Mommy feelings. The less than, neurotic thoughts are climbing all over one another in my head, clamoring for my attention. One more abusive than the next.

She's never going to get into that school. And you know so-and-so will just to totally screw with your head. Why haven't you signed her up for any classes yet? She's behind! She's behind the pack! What's wrong with you, anyway? You're always blaming everything on not having enough money well why don't you just go out and get a job already then? Why aren't you working like the other Moms? You're just lazy.....You know that Mitsi-Bitsi's mom is way better than you are at this. I'm just a terrible cook and I'm f*cking up left and right aren't I? Just completely deluding myself all this time. Why doesn't my girl eat vegetables? Oh God, it's all my fault, she's malnourished. Oh and that comment at the party the other day when that woman called my girl skinny...too skinny...what?! Don't say that. She's perfect just the way she is, damn it!

And right there. That's it. I know the lesson. Intellectually I get it. That we're all God's children. We're perfect just the way we are. Even in our imperfectness. I see my girl and see pure perfection. If only I could capture that essence for me, look lovingly upon myself the way I gaze at Sophia.

I'm pretty sure that this is all just low-blood sugar talking. And by now, I know to silence that bitch up when she's start slamming her rhetoric at me like that. I'm doing fine. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm doing great actually. Aren't I?