I forget that this is simply a blog. A place to write down some ideas that maybe a couple of people will read. I forget that it's OK to make typos, choose words loosely sometimes, say something today that maybe tomorrow I may feel differently about. I'm not a perfectionist but I do fear being wrong (I never raised my hand in class when I was a kid) and truly dread the thought of someone thinking that I'm - or God forbid actually calling - stupid. In fact, even when it's not about me, I feel awful inside when someone refers to another person as "not the sharpest knife in the drawer, if you know what I mean." I mean, wow. Painful. Just a horrible insult in my book.

My hope is that I'm not passing on any of my old nonsense onto my girl. That I'm actually giving her the space to check things out for herself and that she isn't now and won't in the future censor herself, stop herself from trying new things. Just this morning, as Sophia yet again wouldn't go down the slide - a baby slide, for that matter - I thought "This must be because of me, somehow I've not allowed her to challenge herself in a physical way. She hangs onto to me so much, maybe too much...." And then two minutes later, there she was going down the slide by herself. So it goes with motherhood. The constant considerations we make, the worry, the judging, the self-doubt. I know that these simply come with the territory. I just hope that I'm up for the task. And I do think that for the most part I'm a great Mom. Certainly I am doing the best that I can. But oh boy, that right there scares the shit out of me. It's always the crappiest mothers who use that phrase. Doing the best that I can. Or am I doing the best that I am? I've been in therapy for nearly my whole adult life, I worked a lot of stuff out, I've moved on and up and gained lots of new insights and I have a whole host of tools - a great big awesome tool box! - of ways to be and do better, to live a healthier, happy life. Hopefully I am passing these onto my girl.

I find myself watching Sophia and just feeling completely and utterly awestruck by her very essence. By her delicate mannerisms, her uproarious laughter, her silly, sweet nature, her pure goodness. I see her interacting with other kids, letting them take her mini-stroller at the playground, and she's so generous with her things and she just seems to be watching and taking everything in. I watch her walk in front of me, her slight swagger, her fancy shoes that she insists on wearing every day, her collection of purses she carries whenever she leaves our apartment, and I envision her as a young girl, a teenager, and then going off to college someday and my heart breaks just a bit in the simple act of her leaving. And then a moment later, she's back to me asking for milk or yelling "No!" in response to nothing at all and I remember how wonderful it is that she's just two. And we have so much time together, so much to learn and do before she'll leave our little nest. And everything settles back inside me, my chest relaxes and I feel happy just to be next to her. This is the time that I feel most connected to Spirit, to God, to the present. All the stuff that I meditate on, read about, try to attain. These are the moments that I feel most like I'm doing exactly what I should be doing and I don't question anything at all. That truly life is unfolding as it should. I feel the enormous power of gratitude that I have each day with my girl while she's still small, that these days - like all, really - are fleeting. And I'm the lucky momma to have all these moments with her. My hope is that all my old stuff, all the baggage, all the crap that has hindered me most of my life - that this is the work I've been doing all this time, not trying to erase it, but simply understand it and make peace with it and find forgiveness so that I can move on and not saddle her with any of it. And for the most part, I think that both John and I are doing pretty well. If you look at Soph, she's so joyful and such a delight that we must be doing something right.