So about a week ago I was going through my Netflix queue just to see what I've got on there. Most of the DVD's I receive sit ever-cheerful in their bright red pouches on a crowded bookshelf, largely ignored for the better part of three months. I finally decided enough is enough, let's see why all the movies I get suck* so bad. Because it's not like it's random what's sent to me, I'm the one choosing them.

Turns out that a pattern seems to be emerging. Similar to all facets of my life, across the board I'm attracting so much of what I don't want. Despite all the affirmations that I've been doing to improve my life, it appears that I'm still focusing on all the wrong stuff. Financial worry, obsession over life purpose and meaning, should I have stayed in Greece that summer, maybe I should have applied to a better college twenty years ago and surely I'd be a PhD by now ....you know, all the regular junk that goes through your mind on a regular basis. The law of attraction is pulling the wrong stuff to me because duh, that's what I'm telling it I want. Same goes with DVD's apparently.

I recently discussed this very thing with my neighbor over wine one night: I know that I should want to watch that documentary about Afghani widows and young orphans but really, who am I kidding? I'm never going to actually be in the mood for that one. So it just sits. Lays about all day, calls out to me each night.

Ohhhhh, honey. Not tonight, not tonight, too tired baby.....but hey maybe over the weekend?, I tell it, while silently making a mental note to mail that pancake back first thing in the morning.

Looking at the titles, I must subconsciously believe that someone is going to peruse my list at some point, presumably upon my death. They'll sum me and my entire life up by the books on my shelves and the DVD's in my Netflix queue.

Damn! That Jenny was one smart cookie! Holy shit, I've never seen sooooo many foreign flicks on a queue in all my days! Yessirrr, she was really, really something. Not only beautiful but what varied taste too.....a real gem, Jenny was.

I mean, seriously, who is this list for anyway? I literally annihilated about forty "films" off my list in no time. Some were so confounding to me that I literally began considering the possibility that we might be dealing with a split personality thing here. Either that or wow, I'm friggin' pretentiooooous. Now in defense of my (possibly) prententious self, I'd say that it's just me striving to better myself, stay connected and informed and current, be able to have some interesting cocktail chitchat over the holidays? Who really knows though. Right about now I'd settle for your run-of-the-mill romantic comedy to keep me company on a cold winter's night.

What I do know is this: I'm doing the same damn thing with Swaptree. And it's getting a little embarrassing.....

* Author is unable to back up this claim since she didn't spend time actually watching the movies