Thoughts for today...

Wow, you can easily lose yourself in all this. Mommy-this, Mommy-that, Mommy come here!, Mommy, where are you? Sophia needs and wants me to be with her, next to her, paying attention, participating nearly every second in every activity in her life. I've become - somehow - one of those mothers who can't even go pee by myself. Showers are no longer a single person operation. Even my bed has been invaded by my wee one. Middle of the night shouts of "Mommy!" are an every night occurrence. How did I let this happen? And is it really that awful? I keep telling myself that she'll only be this little once. So I am actually enjoying so much of this time together. But lately, I've been looking at my reflection and wondering "Hey there Mommy, where did you go anyway?"

So in seeking some much-needed balance, I'm going to be taking a workshop that a friend is teaching about trusting your intuition. And I just went for a solo run yesterday with my fabulous new ipod. And I've made a pact with myself to honor the two five-hour timeframes that John has promised to give me each week. Fridays are deemed Movie Days going forward. We'll see if I actually use them as such instead of defaulting to the usual shopping for toiletries at Duane Reade and buying extra socks and laundry detergent at Target. I can barely remember a time when there were days that were entirely my own. I am lost in this Mommyhood and I've been a willing participant in the getting lost, I'm almost afraid to admit. I can blame it on finances for not being able to get a babysitter or that I don't approve of the Cry-It-Out method but there must be a part of me that wanted to get so lost in this role.

They say that the first part of any recovery is acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place so my goal for 2009 is to get my own groove back. Figure out ways to make my life more manageable for me. Figure out a new definition of myself instead of feeling that uncomfortable nervousness when that inevitable question comes: "So what else do you do other than the Mom thing?"

Um, knitting. And I really like to organize stuff. No, not like events (although I used to do that in previous life), but more like my kitchen junk drawer and Sophie's toys and such. Also, I kinda like to write although I'm terrified of anyone reading anything I put on paper. Which has to make one wonder why in the world would I have a blog? A blog that no one reads. Except for one friend who knows that this blog exists (hi Stacey). Or maybe Johnny will read it since he now knows about this blog as well (hi, Sugar).

Anyway, the point is....what is the point? Right. The point is when you get down to it, I'm turning 40 next year and it's got me all crazy wondering what the hell my purpose is really. Big picture purpose, I mean. When I'm in the moment, I can't imagine a better use for my time than dancing around the living room or reading to my girl. But one has to wonder is this all there is? Am I wasting my life with all this questioning and not knowing what to do next? After all, she'll be going to school in no time and then what? Back to the daily grind for me? Oy, my stomach just did a loop thinking of suits and subways and water coolers down the corridor.

I'm keeping the faith that the answer shall be revealed. All in good time. And until then I'm doing my best to be a good mom and oh yeah, balance it all out already......